What is self-care?

Many clients often say to me during sessions, ‘what is self-care?’ Or at times, clients will ask ‘how do I care for myself?’ or ‘what is self-compassion?’ or ‘how do I be kind to myself?’ I feel sad when I hear these comments, but I understand they are all valid questions if past experiences growing up as a child or an adolescent has been less than ideal. I also feel enlivened, because that person is possibly about to embark on a truly heartfelt process of learning and change.

The therapeutic process seeks to provide an opportunity for the client to engage with their self in a more self-nurturing and caring way. The process offers the chance to view the client’s self from different perspectives, including noticing where there perhaps was a lack in parental/care-giver care and care-giving practices growing up. Therefore, it takes time to understand what self-care is or means for that individual.

Often, self-care can relate to or remind us of a mother figure, but what happens if that mother figure was perhaps emotionally unavailable to tend to our needs, how do we then learn how to care for ourselves?

Sometimes, the best mother we have is our self. Perhaps ask your self, ‘how would I like to have been mothered?’ Maybe words like: with kindness, care, love, attention, unconditionally, and nurture come to mind.

Learning how to re-mother ones self can be key to understanding what self-care practices are.

Karen C.L. Anderson (2018), talks about re-mothering as ‘[taking] yourself onto your own lap.’ She suggests you begin by asking yourself what your body needs and then hold space for all the different parts of the self, including the ‘ugly, shameful, or disgusting [parts]’ (p. 133). Perhaps, these were the parts that were not accepted by or dismissed by caregivers during earlier experiences.

So, how can you begin to re-mother yourself?

Anderson suggests that ‘you can start by mentally and emotionally detaching the woman who gave birth to you from the role of “mother”’ (p. 135). She goes on to say that ‘your mother will always be your mother, but you can separate yourself, not only from her role, but also from her stories and beliefs’ (pp. 135-136).

As Anderson states, often the relationship we have with our mothers (caregivers) served as a:

'blueprint for your relationship with yourself. Your mother’s beliefs were the basis for you own. You learned to treat yourself the way your mother treated herself, and the way she treated you. This is generally a completely unconscious process. You internalise what you experience' (2018, p. 136).

If the experiences your mother/caregivers provided are far from ideal, you can begin to understand where messages such as “I’m not good enough” or “Something is wrong with me” or “I don’t deserve time for myself” originates.

Breaking free of these beliefs means you can begin to place yourself front and centre of your daily life. Also, if you feel cared for and nurtured, then others can absorb this ‘yumminess’ from you.

To my mind, self-care means treating your self with kindness and respect, and learning to not judge your self so harshly. Imagine how you would treat a friend or colleague, or someone you were close to. Also, learning to allow your self to take a break, to take time for your self is important. To know that it’s ok and you will not be judged for doing so; turn the volume down on the voice of the inner critic. This takes regular practice and works best by employing small, steady steps towards change. To give attention to our self is one of the greatest acts of kindness or as French philosopher Simone Weil states, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” (1976), so try and be generous towards yourself.

My top 5 self-care ideas (in no particular order):

1. Sit down in a comfy chair (if possible) for 5-10 minutes, hopefully without any disturbances and have a cup of tea or coffee, or a cold drink (cake is optional). Acknowledge that this is valued time for your self. Notice any thoughts, feelings and physical sensations.
2. Take a walk (in nature if possible) and really begin to notice your surroundings and how they make you feel; even better if you have a dog (hopefully well-behaved!).
3. Smile to people you encounter.
4. Do an act of random kindness. Never fails to enliven my day and self-esteem.
5. Do numbers 1-4 consistently, each day or every other day.

Sources:

Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters. A Guide for Separation, Liberation and Inspiration. By Karen C.L. Anderson (Mango Publishing, 2018).

Simone Weil: A Life. By Simone Pétrement; tr. Raymond Rosenthal (Pantheon Books, 1978).